The Ironing Illusion

Ironing is one of those jobs that we usually witness our mothers (or if we have them, staff) doing every weekend at about 11 O'Clock in the morning dependent upon the weather. However, when the weather is not right or an event is on the TV that distracts people from day-to-day chores, such as the Olympics, Ironing becomes a massive problem. This is because of several factors that influence the event and chore that is ironing. As I am a font of all knowledge, I shall investigate and examine these factors, and ultimately summarize the catastrophic consequences they have on our society today.

The height if a pile

Our first factor is a most important one, as it determines the time it will take for ironing to be performed. At present, my mother has a pile of ironing weighing approximately 2,500,000 metric tonnes. The pile is about the height of a small mountain, and covers several continents. Since its establishment small civilizations have built up on this pile and I am reliably informed by my researchers that several other civilizations have in fact come before them. Due to a lack of resources the current population and their respective governments are engaged in peace talks that will ultimately fail and lead to the first of many world wars. In addition to this several of the governments have access to soap detergents of great power, so the loss of civilian life is expected to be high.
This Pile is slowly but surely being eroded away by the colossal force of my mothers iron, with several hectares on the northern reaches of the Pile having been flattened and are presently devoid of creases. Furthermore this has heightened the resources struggle, as political negotiations are underway as to which nation owns the newly reshaped land, and who will house the refugees. Such is the size of this Pile of Ironing it has numerous corporations, and several banks, which are expected to be going into recession soon, due to the ongoing resources crisis. Protests and riots have broken out in the streets of the Pile, demanding that more ironing be done, but Mum simple cannot do it without permission of the Piles respective Governments.

The Time

As we are all aware the Olympics is on television. This is another great issue to the Ironing scenario, as the population of the Pile do not agree with competitive sports. As such, Mum is constantly having to attend court to fight lawsuits about the 'Gross injustice' that the great Iron-er should watch such violent and abhorrent sporting events.

The amount of ironing that accumulates during this time

As my mother is, after all, only human, she can only Iron approximately 1 quarter of a tonne of Ironing a day. However, every day 1 eighth of a tonne of ironing accumulates. As such it would take Mum 312,500 years to finally fight her way through the Pile, in so long as she did not encounter any opposition from the Governments of the Pile. This means that she would need to invest in some form of life support machine, which would cost (where it to be contracted) approx £1,000,000,000 a year due to the relative scarcity of such technology. Thus the Newbury family would need to find Three hundred and Twelve Trillion Five hundred Billion Pounds sterling to fund this operation. No doubt this would mean that we would need to impose a tax on the population of the Pile, which would lead to further conflict.

The endless chore

Some would say that this chore is in fact endless. They would be wrong, as the Chore can be completed, in several hundred thousand years. Thus, due to the length of the chore it is likely that entire civilizations will evolve and develop simply to commit themselves to the task of ironing, and raising the finance to do so.



In summary, thanks to the Olympic games and other such televised events, the world and the Pile will respectably be bound to the Pile of Ironing for the foreseeable future. We are going to contact the Universe Parliament, in the hope that they can assist in the funding of this project, but that is unlikely to happen, as nobody has the time or the money. Instead we are contemplating eradicating the Piles population and then repopulating it ourselves, as it would save a lot of money.

Thank you for your help, if you support this notion, or can think of any solution to this crisis, please state so in the comments section or email me at pingpongpang@live.co.uk and your solution will be explored in my next blog post.

Aaron Newbury

'Pile Finance Minister'

How we fall for the garbage big companies sell us.

Today I am going to go on a bit of a rant, a bit of a business and economical rant, so turn away now if numbers and common sense scare you.

Everyday huge amounts of total garbage we really do not actually need are sold, here are some numbers:

40 Million bottles of water,
1.7 Billion cans of Coca Cola,
2.4 Billion cans of Pepsi,
1 Billion Sandwiches
3 Billion Newspapers.

It really is worrying that every single day people walk past their perfectly nice tap and think to themselves "You know what? Today I think I shall go out and get my water in a bottle, not from that lovely tap over there."

And why is that? It's simple, the nice big companies smack a big sign saying "Mountain Pure! Glacial Spring water straight from the teats of Rishnu herself!". And we, being total morons go "Hell, why not, it only costs on average £3.40 per liter of Bottled water in the UK!"

That's right, recent figures show the average price of a liter of bottled water (that stuff that falls from the sky almost every day) is £3.40.

Lets do the maths:

Average cost of a liter of Water (tap): £0.13
Average cost of a liter of Water (bottle): £3.40

You pay extra for this water at: £3.27

So, lets assume I own all the factory run, low labor cost bottled water companies:

40,000,000 x £3.27=  £130,800,000 (One hundred and thirty Million Pounds) a day.

That's what this industry makes daily, subtracting the cost of the water that you all don't get out your taps because its not 'Glacial'.

That's: 47.74200 billion British pounds A YEAR!


If I made a product tomorrow and called it 'BabyChow: Turn your toddler into a waddler' it wouldn't sell. However, I stick a cute picture of a plump child on the front and call it:

Baby Chow: Turn you toddler into a cute ball of fun! Results Guaranteed!


I would sell millions, and nobody would bat an eyelid, if I sold it in America and had Disney sponsor it in a cartoon, they would love me. Why? It has a cute picture on the front, its for your kids, it can't be dangerous?!


So, this is just a little reminder from me, to stop buying crap you don't need.




Aaron Newbury

The concept of War

Today I turned on the news, in a desperate bid to see if there was anything other than the Olympics on television. This is a due to my recent discovery that the athletes Village at the Atlanta Olympic games went through 100,000 condoms, in 6 days. For those of you interested I did the math, and it works out at 2.2 Condoms a day per male. Horrified that our Olympic athletes are not just having their endurance tested in the field, I decided to see what else was going on in the world.

So I merrily picked up my remote control and settled down in my nice chair and started to cycle through the TV channels. For what seemed like decades I flicked through Olympics showings and a few channels that seemed to show programs from before the creation of man. Eventually however I found the BBC news channel, and gazed in awe at new story's, ones that did not involve hormone empowered contraceptive covered Olympians.

The News story was of course on the crisis of Syria, or should I say the Civil war in Syria that could rapidly escalate into apocalyptic Armageddon should the Russians and Chinese get any more involved. Whilst watching this news story a thought occurred to me (an event which is become worryingly common), what really is the point of war?

At this moment, I can practically hear the hundreds of Philopshers collectivly drawing breath as they prepare long rehershed speeches to hurl at me. But, as always, I shall pay them no attention and proceed. I wonder to myself at which point did one human have an argument with another human, and then spontaneously decide to pick up a log, tell all of his friends to do the same, and kill the human's who disagreed with them.

It really is a strange notion, I imagine that the very first financially inspired war went something like this:

Mogog the Barbarian: "Umgog Fo Mumgok, Imgog Bro Kimgog!" (Why you little B*stard, that shiny lump of rock is mine, I found it first!)

Gogom the Barbarian: "Frumkok Lo Krukok! Krikok Guk Foo!" (It is not, I found it you little sh*t. I shall grab this large log and hit you with it, as will all of my friends, to prove to you I am right.)

This simplifies the very essence of war. I want it, you have it, you give it to me, or I smash/shoot/burn/generally maim and do nasty things/ to you. Even if you are or are not called Mogog, and write your job title as 'Professional Barbarian' you really have to admit, its a stupid idea.

As such, I came up with a marvelous solution: get rid of the majority of the army, keeping a few units in case of riots/alien invasion and of course keep the Police force. That way when Tim and Tom have drunk a little to much and think that the only way to decide which Spice girl is more attractive is to smash each other in the face, the Police are on hand to stop them. Its genius. No more wars! That way we can focus on more important things like economics, and the contraceptive supply to the athletes village.

You see, it is quite simple, when people have money they are happy. If we spent less time working out new and inventive ways to kill each other, and more time working out how to make a lot of money and produce a lot of new shiny technological goods we would be a planet of very happy people. To add to this since the recession started, the number of OAP's shoplifting went up 300%, yes, Mavis could no longer buy her newspaper so she stole it. So, make money, not war!

Imagine it, a world done 'my way'. It would be perfect, you could do whatever you wanted. Be it sit and play computer games on your new 3D holographic home cinema, or go climbing Everest in a hover-car, or maybe watch the latest gladiator combat of an ex US marine VS 8 Shoplifters and rioters, the world would be perfect. All physical conflict fought in a designated arena, and all verbal conflict filmed on a Political version of Jeremy Kyle, to top it all up a world of economic supremacy! If aliens ever did invade, we could pay 'em of and use 'em as mercinarys!

So, in conclusion, War is a waste of time and of money. Make Money, not War!


Aaron Newbury, your friendly resident world changer.

The bizarre sense of Humor of the Education system.

Today is, not only being the second day I have been "Blogging", but is also the day that the parents and I decided to sit down and talk about Student Accommodation, and of course the ever hated topic of Student Finance. It was a very stressful talk, my brain found itself curled up into a little triangle-as brains are already ball-shaped they cannot exactly curl up into little balls in stressful situations-and most of my bodily functions stopped working.

However, after going through a brief course of therapy, in the form of logging onto the Website 'Tickld' and laughing at the misfortune of others on facebook, my body slowly began to regain its normal biological and mental functionality. As such, my Brain deemed it necessarily to perform an analysis of the discussion it had been devastated by earlier, and, despite shutting down several times throughout the painful process of this re-calibration, it came to the following conclusion.

Every single year thousands of students in the UK, USA, EU and Asia sit their examinations, be they A-Levels, of their countries equivalent, and each year they have this enormous buildup to the 'Life-Changing Exams' that they will sit. This build up is courtesy of the British Government Department of Education, who will for the sake of making this post easier to understand and focus, be personified by a demonically evil civil servant named Matthew (not 'Matt', he does not like his name being shortened, its against protocol).

So, one day Matthew was sat in his office, when he received a file from the Cabinet Office, asking him to 'shake-up' the education system, and make it more 'fair' and 'competitive'. Matthew laughed to himself, this laughter eventually developed into an all consuming cackle, that continued for a good half hour, until he finally steadied himself, and had a glass of mineral water (not anything alcoholic, that's against procedure).

Ultimately, after about 9 weeks of hard graft serious plotting and office backstabbing, Matthew decided to make a system whereby all students wishing to apply to UK universities are to take their exams, then wait 3 months to get their results. However, so as to make things more interesting, they are also to actually apply for Universities, receiving 'offers' first of all, still un-sure as to whether or not they can make the grade (pardon the pun if you will).

At first, this diabolical plan for educational competitiveness was vastly successful, aside from the political and social reasons the plan also gave a right laugh to the politicians (as intended). However, as is the way with all evil plans, it simply was not good enough, so the plan had to be stepped up. Once again Matthew was given this job (it did not surprise him, after all, it was only procedure) and he started to devise new, humorous ways to 'improve' the British Higher Education System. He decided (after a few bottles of mineral water) to ensure that people from outside the UK found it easier to apply for Universities in the UK-in other words, people who could not speak the Native language of Britain (which, for those of you who do not know, is English, not American) found it easy to get degree courses there! It was master stroke, Matthew was knighted (as he knew he would be, it was in the procedural guidebook).

In his arrogance, and in the desire of the UK politicians to guide attention away from Scottish Independence, and the minor issue of world-wide economic collapse, however Matthew (at the behest of the PM), decided to go one step further on his humor backed quest to decimate the British Education System. He decided to triple University fee's, and then, as an added kick in the crotch allow students to, over 30 years, pay back 280% of their owed fee's!

He presented the idea to the Government, they loved it, and gave him three weeks paid leave, which he took in Gibraltar. Upon arriving at his Hotel, he turned on the BBC news channel, and saw rioters in London, rioting against a fee increase, that attacked the upper class and middle class, as they apparently earned to much to apply for grants, and thus earned to much to go to University (as private school fee's combined with high tax rates meant even we, I mean they, ran out of money). Finally seeing his mistake, Matthew promptly jumped in front of a passing bus.

So, in conclusion to this post, my brain today suffered severe damage, on a cellular level, as a result of the Governments desperate plan to destroy the lives of every young adult in the nation. Thank you Matthew (or should I say Sir Matthew OBE)

Aaron Newbury


PS: Please note Matthew is not a real person, and if he was and you had been paying attention to this post, it wouldn't matter if you went after him in a desperate bid for revenge, he is dead, he threw himself under a bus, remember?

The concept of un-silenced machines

Firstly, I would like to apologize to any potential readers out there, for this post, as it is the second one I will have made today. I am sorry for taking away your valuable time from eating nachos, and watching the Olympics, or whatever it is you people do.

However, I feel this issue is of great importance, in fact, its so important, I think it might just change the world. Actually, I think it will, years from know I think we will see thousands of people parading through the streets, holding aloft glittering banners that read "Go Newbury" and chanting my name exultantly to the heavens above. Such is the importance of this issue, that I will be hailed in the history books of the future as a saint, a noble prize winner, a being that has done so much for humanity he deserves nothing but praise and adoration.

Alternately, this could be an issue that few people care about, and nobody ever hears of, but still, I would rather think that the first proposed response to this post is more likely. So, know the continuous and frankly dull, monotonous and general wasteful introduction to this post is over, I shall move on to actually explain the meaning of its title.

At the moment, I have a group of builders smashing down the side of my home with large industrial pieces of equipment. One of them (the tool not the builder, at least I hopes so) is repeatably slamming itself into the side of a brick wall several hundred times a minute, with what I can only assume is the force of a small nuclear bomb. This is not the issue, as my home is not made out of Plasticine and thus can resist the futile attentions of a drill, albeit a thermo-nuclear one. The problem is the fact that every time the bearded sun glass wearing phyco who calls himself our builder fires up this machine of brutal destruction, a sound similar to that of a 15 mega-tonne woodpecker having a serious disagreement with a large lump of steel resonates through our quite village.

Meanwhile, in a military base in Russia, Oleg the one eyed assassin has just fired 300 bullets at the back of a (very much dead) mans skull. The sound he made as he whirled his molten death into the back of this mans lower cerebellum was akin to a flap of a moths wings, in the heart of a black hole, covered in cotton wool for good measure.

So, here is the crux of my rant, why is it that Oleg's machine of death, otherwise called a gun, has a silencer, yet my builders drill does not. I am pretty sure people would be aware Oleg was shooting them, when they saw 299 of their friends lying on the floor clutching their faces in pain. However, I do not want to know that my bearded building is annihilating the side of my home, I am aware he is, I paid him to do it, I want to go about my day without hearing the relentless carnage happening. So, here is what I suggest, don't spend all that money on silencers for guns that end life, but on silencers on drills that make my life very painful, and will probably make me prematurely deaf.


Aaron Newbury

Day one: The terrifying moment when I opened a Blog

Today, the First of August, 2012, I decided to open a blog. It probably wasn't a very good idea, it takes a lot of time and effort I am told. Time, I have a lot of, effort, I find I am rather lacking. However, I opened a blog, a glorious, pre-templated blog, courtesy of those nice folks at Google.

Anyways, at the time, it seemed like a very good idea, I had spent a great deal of time thinking about it, about 10, maybe 15 minutes. This for me, is a long time, and many great and life changing decisions can occur during this short time bracket. Regardless, I decided to proceed, naturally, being an 18 year old with access to the wide world of the internet, I deemed it necessary to notify over 300 people that I intended to start a blog, on the great utility that is Facebook. However, being Facebook, few people cared, simply ignored it, or where to swamped in advertising to give it any attention.

However, about three people did, and I was so overjoyed at this brief spark of kindness from my fellow man, that in a desperate and futile urge to ingratiate myself with the wider populous I typed "What shall I call it? The baffling Brain ofaron"

Yes, that wasn't a typo, I actually did spell my own name wrong.

So, lesson one, in the harsh and unforgiving world of the blogger, if you are going to make a blog, make sure that in your initial advertising, you have the good sense to spell you own name correctly.

This is Aaron Newbury, in his first post in the world of blogging!