The Ironing Illusion

Ironing is one of those jobs that we usually witness our mothers (or if we have them, staff) doing every weekend at about 11 O'Clock in the morning dependent upon the weather. However, when the weather is not right or an event is on the TV that distracts people from day-to-day chores, such as the Olympics, Ironing becomes a massive problem. This is because of several factors that influence the event and chore that is ironing. As I am a font of all knowledge, I shall investigate and examine these factors, and ultimately summarize the catastrophic consequences they have on our society today.

The height if a pile

Our first factor is a most important one, as it determines the time it will take for ironing to be performed. At present, my mother has a pile of ironing weighing approximately 2,500,000 metric tonnes. The pile is about the height of a small mountain, and covers several continents. Since its establishment small civilizations have built up on this pile and I am reliably informed by my researchers that several other civilizations have in fact come before them. Due to a lack of resources the current population and their respective governments are engaged in peace talks that will ultimately fail and lead to the first of many world wars. In addition to this several of the governments have access to soap detergents of great power, so the loss of civilian life is expected to be high.
This Pile is slowly but surely being eroded away by the colossal force of my mothers iron, with several hectares on the northern reaches of the Pile having been flattened and are presently devoid of creases. Furthermore this has heightened the resources struggle, as political negotiations are underway as to which nation owns the newly reshaped land, and who will house the refugees. Such is the size of this Pile of Ironing it has numerous corporations, and several banks, which are expected to be going into recession soon, due to the ongoing resources crisis. Protests and riots have broken out in the streets of the Pile, demanding that more ironing be done, but Mum simple cannot do it without permission of the Piles respective Governments.

The Time

As we are all aware the Olympics is on television. This is another great issue to the Ironing scenario, as the population of the Pile do not agree with competitive sports. As such, Mum is constantly having to attend court to fight lawsuits about the 'Gross injustice' that the great Iron-er should watch such violent and abhorrent sporting events.

The amount of ironing that accumulates during this time

As my mother is, after all, only human, she can only Iron approximately 1 quarter of a tonne of Ironing a day. However, every day 1 eighth of a tonne of ironing accumulates. As such it would take Mum 312,500 years to finally fight her way through the Pile, in so long as she did not encounter any opposition from the Governments of the Pile. This means that she would need to invest in some form of life support machine, which would cost (where it to be contracted) approx £1,000,000,000 a year due to the relative scarcity of such technology. Thus the Newbury family would need to find Three hundred and Twelve Trillion Five hundred Billion Pounds sterling to fund this operation. No doubt this would mean that we would need to impose a tax on the population of the Pile, which would lead to further conflict.

The endless chore

Some would say that this chore is in fact endless. They would be wrong, as the Chore can be completed, in several hundred thousand years. Thus, due to the length of the chore it is likely that entire civilizations will evolve and develop simply to commit themselves to the task of ironing, and raising the finance to do so.



In summary, thanks to the Olympic games and other such televised events, the world and the Pile will respectably be bound to the Pile of Ironing for the foreseeable future. We are going to contact the Universe Parliament, in the hope that they can assist in the funding of this project, but that is unlikely to happen, as nobody has the time or the money. Instead we are contemplating eradicating the Piles population and then repopulating it ourselves, as it would save a lot of money.

Thank you for your help, if you support this notion, or can think of any solution to this crisis, please state so in the comments section or email me at pingpongpang@live.co.uk and your solution will be explored in my next blog post.

Aaron Newbury

'Pile Finance Minister'