Today is, not only being the second day I have been "Blogging", but is also the day that the parents and I decided to sit down and talk about Student Accommodation, and of course the ever hated topic of Student Finance. It was a very stressful talk, my brain found itself curled up into a little triangle-as brains are already ball-shaped they cannot exactly curl up into little balls in stressful situations-and most of my bodily functions stopped working.
However, after going through a brief course of therapy, in the form of logging onto the Website 'Tickld' and laughing at the misfortune of others on facebook, my body slowly began to regain its normal biological and mental functionality. As such, my Brain deemed it necessarily to perform an analysis of the discussion it had been devastated by earlier, and, despite shutting down several times throughout the painful process of this re-calibration, it came to the following conclusion.
Every single year thousands of students in the UK, USA, EU and Asia sit their examinations, be they A-Levels, of their countries equivalent, and each year they have this enormous buildup to the 'Life-Changing Exams' that they will sit. This build up is courtesy of the British Government Department of Education, who will for the sake of making this post easier to understand and focus, be personified by a demonically evil civil servant named Matthew (not 'Matt', he does not like his name being shortened, its against protocol).
So, one day Matthew was sat in his office, when he received a file from the Cabinet Office, asking him to 'shake-up' the education system, and make it more 'fair' and 'competitive'. Matthew laughed to himself, this laughter eventually developed into an all consuming cackle, that continued for a good half hour, until he finally steadied himself, and had a glass of mineral water (not anything alcoholic, that's against procedure).
Ultimately, after about 9 weeks of hard graft serious plotting and office backstabbing, Matthew decided to make a system whereby all students wishing to apply to UK universities are to take their exams, then wait 3 months to get their results. However, so as to make things more interesting, they are also to actually apply for Universities, receiving 'offers' first of all, still un-sure as to whether or not they can make the grade (pardon the pun if you will).
At first, this diabolical plan for educational competitiveness was vastly successful, aside from the political and social reasons the plan also gave a right laugh to the politicians (as intended). However, as is the way with all evil plans, it simply was not good enough, so the plan had to be stepped up. Once again Matthew was given this job (it did not surprise him, after all, it was only procedure) and he started to devise new, humorous ways to 'improve' the British Higher Education System. He decided (after a few bottles of mineral water) to ensure that people from outside the UK found it easier to apply for Universities in the UK-in other words, people who could not speak the Native language of Britain (which, for those of you who do not know, is English, not American) found it easy to get degree courses there! It was master stroke, Matthew was knighted (as he knew he would be, it was in the procedural guidebook).
In his arrogance, and in the desire of the UK politicians to guide attention away from Scottish Independence, and the minor issue of world-wide economic collapse, however Matthew (at the behest of the PM), decided to go one step further on his humor backed quest to decimate the British Education System. He decided to triple University fee's, and then, as an added kick in the crotch allow students to, over 30 years, pay back 280% of their owed fee's!
He presented the idea to the Government, they loved it, and gave him three weeks paid leave, which he took in Gibraltar. Upon arriving at his Hotel, he turned on the BBC news channel, and saw rioters in London, rioting against a fee increase, that attacked the upper class and middle class, as they apparently earned to much to apply for grants, and thus earned to much to go to University (as private school fee's combined with high tax rates meant even we, I mean they, ran out of money). Finally seeing his mistake, Matthew promptly jumped in front of a passing bus.
So, in conclusion to this post, my brain today suffered severe damage, on a cellular level, as a result of the Governments desperate plan to destroy the lives of every young adult in the nation. Thank you Matthew (or should I say Sir Matthew OBE)
Aaron Newbury
PS: Please note Matthew is not a real person, and if he was and you had been paying attention to this post, it wouldn't matter if you went after him in a desperate bid for revenge, he is dead, he threw himself under a bus, remember?
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