Today I turned on the news, in a desperate bid to see if there was anything other than the Olympics on television. This is a due to my recent discovery that the athletes Village at the Atlanta Olympic games went through 100,000 condoms, in 6 days. For those of you interested I did the math, and it works out at 2.2 Condoms a day per male. Horrified that our Olympic athletes are not just having their endurance tested in the field, I decided to see what else was going on in the world.
So I merrily picked up my remote control and settled down in my nice chair and started to cycle through the TV channels. For what seemed like decades I flicked through Olympics showings and a few channels that seemed to show programs from before the creation of man. Eventually however I found the BBC news channel, and gazed in awe at new story's, ones that did not involve hormone empowered contraceptive covered Olympians.
The News story was of course on the crisis of Syria, or should I say the Civil war in Syria that could rapidly escalate into apocalyptic Armageddon should the Russians and Chinese get any more involved. Whilst watching this news story a thought occurred to me (an event which is become worryingly common), what really is the point of war?
At this moment, I can practically hear the hundreds of Philopshers collectivly drawing breath as they prepare long rehershed speeches to hurl at me. But, as always, I shall pay them no attention and proceed. I wonder to myself at which point did one human have an argument with another human, and then spontaneously decide to pick up a log, tell all of his friends to do the same, and kill the human's who disagreed with them.
It really is a strange notion, I imagine that the very first financially inspired war went something like this:
Mogog the Barbarian: "Umgog Fo Mumgok, Imgog Bro Kimgog!" (Why you little B*stard, that shiny lump of rock is mine, I found it first!)
Gogom the Barbarian: "Frumkok Lo Krukok! Krikok Guk Foo!" (It is not, I found it you little sh*t. I shall grab this large log and hit you with it, as will all of my friends, to prove to you I am right.)
This simplifies the very essence of war. I want it, you have it, you give it to me, or I smash/shoot/burn/generally maim and do nasty things/ to you. Even if you are or are not called Mogog, and write your job title as 'Professional Barbarian' you really have to admit, its a stupid idea.
As such, I came up with a marvelous solution: get rid of the majority of the army, keeping a few units in case of riots/alien invasion and of course keep the Police force. That way when Tim and Tom have drunk a little to much and think that the only way to decide which Spice girl is more attractive is to smash each other in the face, the Police are on hand to stop them. Its genius. No more wars! That way we can focus on more important things like economics, and the contraceptive supply to the athletes village.
You see, it is quite simple, when people have money they are happy. If we spent less time working out new and inventive ways to kill each other, and more time working out how to make a lot of money and produce a lot of new shiny technological goods we would be a planet of very happy people. To add to this since the recession started, the number of OAP's shoplifting went up 300%, yes, Mavis could no longer buy her newspaper so she stole it. So, make money, not war!
Imagine it, a world done 'my way'. It would be perfect, you could do whatever you wanted. Be it sit and play computer games on your new 3D holographic home cinema, or go climbing Everest in a hover-car, or maybe watch the latest gladiator combat of an ex US marine VS 8 Shoplifters and rioters, the world would be perfect. All physical conflict fought in a designated arena, and all verbal conflict filmed on a Political version of Jeremy Kyle, to top it all up a world of economic supremacy! If aliens ever did invade, we could pay 'em of and use 'em as mercinarys!
So, in conclusion, War is a waste of time and of money. Make Money, not War!
Aaron Newbury, your friendly resident world changer.
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